Chapter 2

Chapter 2  "Excuse me, Jimmy Neutron look alike, don't do that face, EVER."
Due to the fact that there are so many rules for me to follow, I decided that I am going to make some rules for any slash all men to LIVE BY when it comes to "What not to do" in the internet world. Obviously, there are some things that are allowed because it makes each guy an individual, and quirky, but lets be honest here, there are soooooooooooooo many things that need to be corrected.

#1. Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT have all of your pictures be of you taking a photo in the mirror. A.) you look retarded, and that "sexy" face, actually just looks like you have to take a poop and B.) you clearly have no friends and are obsessed with yourself. knock it off.

#2. I know that when you take pictures, you like to do the "I’m a tough guy face" or act "hard" if you will, but I DON'T CARE HOW SERIOUS YOU LOOK, show me the teeth, so I can make sure you aren't hiding a big gap or snaggle tooth under them lips. You also just look like an asshole, and I've already closed your profile out.

#3. Don't call me beautiful. It's weird, we've never met, my pictures could be from 3 years ago and you'd have no idea, and I could have photo shopped out my giant mole on my cheek that you are unaware exists. It's not cute, it's embarrassing, for you...and I now have retard tingles b/c you are trying to be smooth via the world wide web, and it isn't working.   seriously, knock it off.

#4. Don't tell me you have adult braces, just lie.

#5. In the area where you put things you can't live without....DO NOT EVER WRITE FACEBOOK. You are now in total creep status. I don't care if it's true, that's fine, I'm a bit of an addict as well, but don't you dare publicize that shit. That is like 3rd date info to share.

#5 and a half. On the flip side, in the area where you put things you can’t live without....Don’t put "air." I have come across MULTIPLE with this answer....New flash, it's not clever, it's dumb, and I wish there was a "bitch slap" button on your profile, because at this point in time, i would abuse it. 

#6. Just because you put up a picture of you and your grandmother doesn't mean I think you're sweet. It means I think you're a player who knows that the dumb chicks are going to fall for the "aw he hangs out with his grandma" bit because it’s not your most flattering picture so clearly you’re not going for the coincidental "I happen to look great in the pic that’s with my grandma." That's crap and I see right through you!

#7. SPELL CHECK IS ON COMPUTERS FOR A REASON. If I don't spell things correctly in this email, I don't care, because you all already know me and know that spelling errors are the LEAST of my problems, but in the online dating world, your profile is all you have to represent yourself, so please please please, USE THE EFFING SPELL CHECK, because you just used "your" incorrectly and I now think "you're" a retard.

#8. Don't put pictures up of you in a nice car. I don't give a shit about your car, and I'm pretty sure we all are aware that it isn't yours.

#9. Stop with the group photos. I can barely see you, and I get it, you're trying to make the point that you have friends. I also now am extremely attracted to your frat brother to the left of you and no longer want to talk to you, can you hand off my number to him please? Either get uglier friends to make this point, or just stop with the group shot fail.

#10. Ok so I understand that you play the guitar, and are a bit "out there" but stop flaunting the fact that you’re in a band. According to this, you’re 29 years old, so let me let you in on a little secret, it’s not going to happen. I don’t care that you played with a band called the Baby Shakers, because frankly, you look like the awkward dad on stage that shouldn’t be there. "Which one of these is not like the otherrrr oneeeee?" Stop attempting to relive the 90's...move on. 

#11. According to "you", you love outdoor activities and to be active in general & keep in shape....then why are you 350 pounds? I simply do not believe you, and even the dumbest girl I know wouldn’t believe you either. So start actually being active, or stop lying, either one.

#12. Stop using big words so that you sound smart. Because I’m NOT THE SHARPEST VOCAB TOOL IN THE SHED, as we all know, and even I am aware that you just used the word "precocious" incorrectly, and yes I will make fun of you for the rest of your life if we begin communicating.

#13. "The blow out" is NOT okay, ever. So take down that damn picture from 11th grade that you are so proud of because again, IT’S NOT CUTE, AND YOU LOOK NOTHING LIKE THAT. 

#14. Gentlemen, when filling out the section titled, "The most important thing I am looking for in a person is:".... THINK BEFORE YOU TYPE. The following answer....I am looking for someone who is honest, thoughtful, genuine, loving, mature, emotionally stable, athletic, physically fit, intelligent, well-rounded, and fun to be around. ....makes me want to stab you in the eye with my pencil, because you just described a FIGMENT OF YOUR EFFING IMAGINATION. You are looking for the perfect person, I understand, well let’s try to not be so picky and maybe instead focus on the fact that you then go on to explain, that you enjoy wearing eye liner....Yes, Alex from NY, NY said, "I can’t live without eye liner." Everything about this makes me want to email you and help you, you poor, poor, single soul. Lay off the makeup, and maybe you can then have the right to be looking for miss perfection. Until then, here is reality slapping you in face, she doesn’t exist.

#15. Hey, Dominik from Yonkers, NY....you’re 20. Get the fuck off e-harmony, and go get your liver ready to turn 21. You are the definition of a tot, and this is definitely no place for tots.

#16. WE ALL UNDERSTAND THAT YOU LIKE SPORTS, YOU LIVE BREATHE EAT PLAY DREAM SPORTS. Stop saying it in every section when you describe yourself. You are beating a dead horse, and now I want to fight you, not date you.

#17. Please avoid using the following words...... in person, you might in fact be funny, but in "new times roman" you sound like a douche bag:

a. swagger, swagga, swag (yes we keep coming back to this b/c it is FREQUENTLY being used & it is still NOT okay.)
b. any of the abbreviations are just irritating..."idk" "lol" "lmfao" "idc" "brb"
c. avoid trying to be witty, unless you’re actually genuinely witty and good at getting it across via writing, b/c most of you get an awkward face coming from this end of the computer as I continue to read, and then get a "ohhh nooo honey, don’t say that, you sound stupid.
d. "lookin for a shortie I can chill wit." ....please stop.

#18. Put your shirt on, because now the online dating world knows you’re an extreme narcissist and I hate you. Also, as I scroll further through the pics, that six pack starts to turn into a bit more of a HOLY LOVE HANDLES, WHATTTT UPPPPP. I’m onto you mr. I live in the past and am obsessed with my body from 6 years ago. Reality Check, you’re 29, and I don’t want to bang the 29 year old version of you, so take it down, you’re being a tease.

#19. If you are 5 feet 2 inches tall, get the fuck off the internet, and yes, height does matter munchkin man. Basically, you’re screwed and the only way you are meeting someone is if they "get to know that great personality of yours," or happen to be a midget as well. Yes, I am an asshole, but I speak the truth.....you’re all thinking it, I’m just not afraid to say it.

#20. I will end on this rule...please, and I ask this to all of the dating world out there, please please please stop trying so hard. I can’t take any of you seriously when you say things like "I like to spend my sundays hanging in with my dogs and watching the sunset while listening to Frank Sinatra and baking pies," and follow it up with "I’m just looking for someone who is honest, and real," ......dot dot dot...NO SHIT SHERLOCK. And you’re a God Damn Liar. Go drink a beer, remove the tampon from your vagina, and tell me that you "like to lay around recovering from Saturday night, while watching football and falling asleep circa 9 pm." I would appreciate your honesty, probably date THAT guy, and I would stop thinking that you, "Mr.-dog- loving-pie-maker" are secretly a raging homosexual.

The Internet Hates Me.

This my online version of a novel about my online dating experience (s)...

Book Title:          The Internet Hates Me
Author:                Melissa from Pompton Plains, NJ  (in online dating, we don't use last names)

Chapter 1 - When people say 'Just Be Yourself', it is safe to assume that, number one, they are clearly not single, and number two, they actually mean, be a better, more thought out version of yourself.

I've already gone over (with myself) the list of "Mel's vocab" and just general rules that I'm not allowed to use while typing to slash dating these fellas....

#1.  Don't ever use the word fellas, EVER.

#2.  "Bang bang boogie" is not a socially accepted synonym for sex.

#3.  Anything about mold or butt hole is off limits.  Also, DO NOT nervous fart at the table, your little brother Brian is not there to blame it on. 

#4.  Finding Nemo references need to wait until about the 3rd date.

#5.  "Unit 91 do you need assistance" does not make sense to most people, and try to not ask him if he wants to participate in activities, you sound like your grandma.

#6.  Do not mention that I like to take "baby naps", until you've experienced them, they sound really creepy.  Also, you can not add "baby" to the front of everything you do, ex. "I brought you a baby gift" ...expected response from normal human being " but I don't have a child..."

#7.  Attempt to filter yourself ALWAYS, there is no "edit undo" button in life, and you can not rewind or fast forward after you make things uncomfortable.  things would be much easier if you could just SHUT THE HELL UP AND STOP WORD VOMITING.

#8.  Don't communicate with any guy who uses the word "swag" or "swagger" or "swagga" in his profile AT ANY POINT IN TIME.

#9.  Ask what year their pic was taken in, chances are they look nothing like that, and if they're overweight and balding, maybe give them a tip to use an older picture for the future, like the rest of them.
   
#10.  Don't tell them that I can shotgun a beer faster than majority of the world, it's intimidating, and something that not many people would be proud of, Melissa from pompton plains, NJ, you stand alone.

#11.  Don't tell them that I am really good at funnelling b/c I can open my throat, that will come across as you being a giant SLUT BAG... although it is unintentional, the facts are the facts, you just told him you're a whore.  Along with that, don't EVER reveal that you can NOT turn down a challenge, chances are you will end up in jail by the end of the night.

#12.  Don't send wink faces or "lol"s it's not cute, it's annoying.

#13.  Avoid mentioning that you snuggle with all of your friends, it could be taken multiple ways.  also do not tell him that you snuggle with your brothers dogs, in their crate....

#14.  If the number of sexual partners topic comes up, LIE LIE LIE, and if you can't lie....LIE BETTER.

#15.  Don't try to take a sneaky picture of them with your phone, the flash  always finds a way to go off in their face and give you away, and that, you CAN NOT come back from.  (remember the mullet family in staples, dear god that's embarrassing.)

#16.  Don't tell him that your boobs are not really that big and it's just your really great bra from Victoria's Secret.  He doesn't know who Bianca is and won't understand why your grabbing yourself and saying "see tonight I have Bianca boobs, but really they're just baby boobs."

#17.  Avoid explaining that blacking out is a regular occurrence, it's not attractive, it's gross.

#18.  If you are going to quote movies, try to avoid the ones that make you SCREAM the lines out, or change your voice to strange octaves, he's not ready for that yet, and you might scare the daylights out of him, or come off like you have turret's syndrome.

#19.  Reconsider if the world of single men out there is ready for Me, and while out in public, don't freak out when you see adorable children.  Also, refrain from then telling him that your parents are afraid that one day you might steal a child... on accident.  He may or may not call the police.

#20 Please Please Please don't forget, to NEVER invite him back to "your" place.  Over time he can find out that your "roommates" are actually your parents, but he doesn't need to find that out by dad coming in your room in his under ware telling us to shut up because we woke him up. (most of you have experienced this first hand, and know that it is NOT pretty.)

...just to name a few.

big bear hug.
Mel

#21.  Don't mention big bear hugs, you sound like a 6 year old.
#22.  Try to not say or type the word "slash", you do this frequently and people find it odd.