The Internet Hates Me.

This my online version of a novel about my online dating experience (s)...

Book Title:          The Internet Hates Me
Author:                Melissa from Pompton Plains, NJ  (in online dating, we don't use last names)

Chapter 1 - When people say 'Just Be Yourself', it is safe to assume that, number one, they are clearly not single, and number two, they actually mean, be a better, more thought out version of yourself.

I've already gone over (with myself) the list of "Mel's vocab" and just general rules that I'm not allowed to use while typing to slash dating these fellas....

#1.  Don't ever use the word fellas, EVER.

#2.  "Bang bang boogie" is not a socially accepted synonym for sex.

#3.  Anything about mold or butt hole is off limits.  Also, DO NOT nervous fart at the table, your little brother Brian is not there to blame it on. 

#4.  Finding Nemo references need to wait until about the 3rd date.

#5.  "Unit 91 do you need assistance" does not make sense to most people, and try to not ask him if he wants to participate in activities, you sound like your grandma.

#6.  Do not mention that I like to take "baby naps", until you've experienced them, they sound really creepy.  Also, you can not add "baby" to the front of everything you do, ex. "I brought you a baby gift" ...expected response from normal human being " but I don't have a child..."

#7.  Attempt to filter yourself ALWAYS, there is no "edit undo" button in life, and you can not rewind or fast forward after you make things uncomfortable.  things would be much easier if you could just SHUT THE HELL UP AND STOP WORD VOMITING.

#8.  Don't communicate with any guy who uses the word "swag" or "swagger" or "swagga" in his profile AT ANY POINT IN TIME.

#9.  Ask what year their pic was taken in, chances are they look nothing like that, and if they're overweight and balding, maybe give them a tip to use an older picture for the future, like the rest of them.
   
#10.  Don't tell them that I can shotgun a beer faster than majority of the world, it's intimidating, and something that not many people would be proud of, Melissa from pompton plains, NJ, you stand alone.

#11.  Don't tell them that I am really good at funnelling b/c I can open my throat, that will come across as you being a giant SLUT BAG... although it is unintentional, the facts are the facts, you just told him you're a whore.  Along with that, don't EVER reveal that you can NOT turn down a challenge, chances are you will end up in jail by the end of the night.

#12.  Don't send wink faces or "lol"s it's not cute, it's annoying.

#13.  Avoid mentioning that you snuggle with all of your friends, it could be taken multiple ways.  also do not tell him that you snuggle with your brothers dogs, in their crate....

#14.  If the number of sexual partners topic comes up, LIE LIE LIE, and if you can't lie....LIE BETTER.

#15.  Don't try to take a sneaky picture of them with your phone, the flash  always finds a way to go off in their face and give you away, and that, you CAN NOT come back from.  (remember the mullet family in staples, dear god that's embarrassing.)

#16.  Don't tell him that your boobs are not really that big and it's just your really great bra from Victoria's Secret.  He doesn't know who Bianca is and won't understand why your grabbing yourself and saying "see tonight I have Bianca boobs, but really they're just baby boobs."

#17.  Avoid explaining that blacking out is a regular occurrence, it's not attractive, it's gross.

#18.  If you are going to quote movies, try to avoid the ones that make you SCREAM the lines out, or change your voice to strange octaves, he's not ready for that yet, and you might scare the daylights out of him, or come off like you have turret's syndrome.

#19.  Reconsider if the world of single men out there is ready for Me, and while out in public, don't freak out when you see adorable children.  Also, refrain from then telling him that your parents are afraid that one day you might steal a child... on accident.  He may or may not call the police.

#20 Please Please Please don't forget, to NEVER invite him back to "your" place.  Over time he can find out that your "roommates" are actually your parents, but he doesn't need to find that out by dad coming in your room in his under ware telling us to shut up because we woke him up. (most of you have experienced this first hand, and know that it is NOT pretty.)

...just to name a few.

big bear hug.
Mel

#21.  Don't mention big bear hugs, you sound like a 6 year old.
#22.  Try to not say or type the word "slash", you do this frequently and people find it odd.